Ask a Busy Person: On The Value of Saying ‘No’

The paradox that “If you want to get something done, ask a busy person” rings true in history and rings true in our lives. I think Benjamin Franklin had it right. While he was a busy writer, scientist, politician, and polymath, he also lived with an equally busy woman: Deborah Read Rogers. She deserves much credit, too. 

I coached a boys’ soccer team in the fall. On average, it added twenty-five hours to my already busy teaching week. It was a long, demanding soccer season, and though I do love being on a soccer pitch, after a busy workday, it sometimes felt like one more task on my perpetual to-do list. I now coach a girls' softball team, among many other commitments. These girls are a lovely, fun bunch. They are competitive, delightful, and grateful. It is no doubt rewarding. Some days, though, it does feel like simply one more task. 

After softball practice last week, my colleague and the team’s assistant coach asked me to delegate any paperwork or small jobs; I felt the head attached to my neck nod in agreement, defying my inner dialogue. She is new to coaching and new to softball. I knew I would do it.

Like an overwhelmed mother who complains that her husband will not share in the household workload and then complains about his laundry abilities or restacks the dishwasher when he has tried to help, I wondered why it simply felt easier to do all the softball paperwork myself. Was it about competence? Perhaps, but we all need to learn. Was it about standards? Perhaps, but once I taught her, there is no doubt she will do an impeccable job. What then? 

Bright, competent women are good at, well, so many things. One thing we are not good at, though, is saying no. Saying no is a skill that smart women must hone. In this digital post-COVID age, this is all the more critical. People who want something done know to ask either a busy person or a woman who cannot say no. Often, this is one and the same. Requests keep flooding in via phone, email, instant messaging, Zoom screen, or in-person over lunch and in office spaces everywhere, and we must learn to say no. 

My advice to you: assess the asker’s intentions. And assess exactly why they are asking you. If their primary criterion is that you will not say no, surprise them. Say no, and move along. 

A familiar strategy for larger requests, is to make an inventory, itemizing the details of the request. When unsure, always clarify. In this inventory, include the advantages and disadvantages, both professionally and personally. The more onerous or difficult the task, the more details you should gather before making a decision. And take time making that decision. 

Being inundated by tasks generally does not dilute our competence at said tasks. After all, we are busy and capable; however, frequently finding ourselves overcommitted has the power to dilute the very essence of ourselves.